If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Baller is short for ballerina
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
All food is good if you spell it wrong
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.