Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
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When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece