20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
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It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Well, this is awkward
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
yeah 😭
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
two people or more is called a problem
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Many hands make light work
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M: