I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.