I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
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Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe