At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
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You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Sunday
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.