My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
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[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send