[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
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My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Peace was never an option
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME