doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
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I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire