If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
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I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.