interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
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Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback