Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
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*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.