“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
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Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.