Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
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I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate