Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
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The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025