[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
bought wrong eggs
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”