There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
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My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Very good news from my accountant
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL