“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
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buys donuts instead
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I’m giving up ice.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.