It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
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STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Why am I like this?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce