Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
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My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
do horses think humans are hats
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
This made me chuckle.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?