2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
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A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
A new level of troll.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
was Jim off killing horses or…
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
What the hell happened here.