I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
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Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Pee pressure > peer pressure
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.