Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
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A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Bed should get ready for ME
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.