I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
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My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.