wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
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Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I’m being attacked 😭
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.