me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
New favorite tiktok
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably