Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
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7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.