Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
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My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge