Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
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I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
nature’s most graceful animal
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”