I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
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I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Selfie
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT