[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.