Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
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Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”