roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[shakes fist at other fist]
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Still a very good boi….
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?