SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
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Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday