If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
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detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
thanks auntie mary
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online