Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
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Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I’m having an out of money experience.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
My dating profile:
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.