Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Had to try this trend 😊
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house