I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
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Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.