ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
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[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
How to draw a duck
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.