Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
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If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works