Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
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[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
That’s easy for you to say
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.