Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.