wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
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Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
my nickname in college
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”