“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
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{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I only treason on days ending in y
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest