no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
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[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
the prophecies have been fulfilled
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”