Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
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If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
one of
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
*ernest hemingway voice*
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”