If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
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I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
You learn something every day
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.