back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
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Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Good advice.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*