I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Kids, do not try this at home!
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green