*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
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The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it